How To Date a Sex Worker

January 30, 2017 3:57 pm 17 Comments

This blog is dedicated to lovers who weren’t strong enough to be with me, felt demeaning and disrespecting me made them a bigger man, or the one’s that had too much ego to continue the relationship. I also dedicate this to men everywhere that are trying their hardest and struggling to be with a woman they love when every ounce of their moral code feels jeopardised. 

Open minded, compassionate, caring, empathetic, knowledgeable on life and sex; a Sex Worker can make for the ultimate partner. However your internal struggle on what she does for a living may not coincide with your core belief system or what you’ve grown up to be told what is true. When it comes to sex and relationships, there is no ‘normal’. Your ‘normal’ can be whatever you mould with your partner and feel comfortable doing.   Or maybe this time you have to stretch beyond your comfort zone. If you have met someone special, someone you click with on every aspect, and is “the one” you have been waiting for, then it might be time to grow as a human being. If you believe that you have to change her, get her to stop working because of your belief system, save her, or rescue her, then please stop right now. It’s never healthy to enter a relationship wanting to completely change the other person into someone they are not. If you think “yeah you’re great.. but…” then stop wasting your time and hers.

The one common denominator amongst Sex Workers is the sex we have with clients is just WORK. We get cash, we have sex, we leave work when the door closes and return to our real world. Our real world is coming home to bed with you. A bed we share, and wake up in our most natural state of stinky breath, no make-up, and crusty eyes. Guess what; we wouldn’t trade that for any amount of money. Real love, a real bond, cohabiting and sharing a life together has no monetary value whatsoever. We meet men of every shape, age, size, penis variation, and sexual skill; we probably have fucked what we deem the hottest man ever, the coolest guy ever, the best fuck ever. What that guy doesn’t have in common with you is he wasn’t the entire package, nor was he part of our reality. He is not you. He shared a moment in time that we were both physically and mentally present for, but the moment wasn’t real. It was a fantasyland, a land where everyone is on their best behavior, money is exchanged for services and what happens between two consenting adults happens. We didn’t choose this man, he contacted us for services, this is our job. Just like a plumber uses his hands for work, we use our body for work.   And it is just that.. work.

Sex Workers can easily compartmentalize sex they have for love and sex they have for money. The general conception is that most women have feelings and form an attachment with the person they are sleeping with. Where that statement might be true for the general public, that statement will not be true for Sex Workers. Falling in love with every client we meet, or having feelings for every client sure isn’t a smart business model, now is it? Why we can compartmentalize is a mystery and on a case by case basis, but instead of asking and arguing why we think like this, the best thing to do is just accept that that is how we are. Accepting our different mentality than yours or even the rest of the world is the first step. Not all partners think the same way on every topic, and how boring would a relationship be if you thought exactly the same thing about everything. We are all different people; accept that you are different from her. Perhaps you couldn’t be a Sex Worker if you were a woman, or wouldn’t want your child or sister to ever be one. But please accept this was her choice and her brain functions slightly different to you and society.

How serious is the woman you are in love with about her job? Is she proud of her career choice? Is she doing it short term whilst in school or to meet a financial goal to benefit her future? If she consciously made the choice to become a Sex Worker, she probably has some valid reasons why. She also will have a slew of reasons why she enjoys what she does. How many people are actually happy and proud of what they do for a living? If you have met someone who enjoys what they do, has pride, and gets paid well- any other industry you would think they were successful and be proud of them. Perhaps even inspired, because how many people are actually passionate about their career. Would you like her to turn around and tell you to stop what you’re doing for work? Would you give up your career for her? It isn’t fair to enter a relationship and project your morality on someone with a different opinion than yours. You will never change her mind, and it isn’t healthy to tell her what she is doing is wrong. It’s a job; keep telling yourself that. Most importantly you have to trust her. If she is a seasoned veteran, she has her shit sorted. She knows who her clients are, she can manage her schedule around your life together, and she can always put you first. How many other careers can a person actually do that for you?

This relationship won’t be easy if you have a difference of opinion. Changing your perception and not who you are is the key to coping and keeping the peace. You cannot and will not change her, so you both need to start looking at this equation differently.

Your thoughts and feelings channel your behavior, so be mindful of what you are thinking when it comes to her work. If you’re constantly being negative about it, keeping images of her having sex with other people on rotation in your mind, then this is going to affect your behavior towards her and will start to affect your relationship. Most likely you consciously don’t want to have a problem with it, you want her to be happy, you want to be happy, but you still get that knot in your stomach every time she goes to work. Acknowledge when and what you are feeling. Think about what is the biggest thing that is affecting you in the moment. Let yourself feel however you are feeling. Then channel your thoughts to why you love her. What is it about her that makes you feel so in love? Think about your life together, the future you are building together, be grateful for all the beautiful moments you have together, and most importantly always remind yourself you are the man she is coming home to. Be proud, have an ego in that moment; she has sex with a lot of men and probably has had sex with 10 times the amount of people you have. She has a huge amount of sexual experience, and guess what? She chooses to be with you, she chooses to come home to you, and she thinks you are the greatest man she has ever met and wants to spend a life with you. Isn’t that reassuring? Other men have to pay her to spend time with her, but you get her infinitely. If that doesn’t make you feel on top of the world, then maybe nothing will.

Communication is key. Some people want to know every detail about the booking; some people want to know nothing about it. Maybe some days you will float somewhere between the two. Acknowledge how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and then calmly ask her your questions when the time is right. If you approach her with anger, disgust, disdain, contempt; then you will be answered with frustration. Your unease can come across as non-accepting very quickly and this is the last thing a Sex Worker wants to feel or justify to anyone let alone their partner.

It will be especially challenging to watch her get ready for work; watch her put makeup on, sexy lingerie that you know another man will take off her. It takes the strongest man to be where you are, so give yourself some credit right now for being the bigger man. You deserve that. In return she deserves your empathy while she is getting ready, no one wants to go to work with his or her partner complaining. Sex work is incredibly challenging and takes more energy than majority of jobs out there. We give our work our everything, we don’t have the privilege to sit at a desk answer emails, have 5 coffee breaks a day, take a extra long lunch and call it a day at work. We are physically, mentally, and emotionally “on” our entire shift so please give us our space before we switch into work mode. That will do wonders on your relationship. It might be challenging to hear when she plans a tour, tells you her weeks schedule about how many bookings she has- stay calm. Empathy is everything.

The most detrimental part of this will most likely be learning to cope with your partner possibly orgasming at work.   It isn’t a pleasant feeling thinking of anyone but you pleasuring your partner. Unless you have experience with open relationships, then you are like the majority of men who want to be the only person pleasing your woman. And that’s ok! It is important to remember here the fact that we can compartmentalize sex. We are having sex with someone for work. The deep connection is not there, we are simply using our bodies to complete a task at work, and if we do cum from it, then it’s a bonus. There are not many Sex Workers who get into and stay in the industry if they don’t love sex. And that refers to sex that doesn’t matter, i.e. sex with a stranger for money. This cannot be compared to sex with a life partner. Even if you disagree or don’t believe in that, believe that is how she feels.

No matter the industry, no matter the job there will be good days at work and bad days at work. Regardless of what the job is, we all deserve the right to come home to our sanctuary, our place of peace where the outside world fades away. Creating tension right after she comes home (regardless of how her day was) takes away her peace. Do you want to be a partner that is making your loved one’s life more distressing? Of course you don’t! Ask her how her day or night went, let her talk about it if she wants to. This might be a good time to ask questions that you have to help understand her work a little better. Tell her at this point too what you need from her. Do you want to know everything or do you both need alone time? Or maybe you just want comfort and closeness to be reassured how much she loves you. Communicate this, and start putting it into practice.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to choice. The beauty of life is the free will and the free choice we individually have. Sometimes we make the right decisions, sometimes we make the wrong ones. Whatever the situation is, you learn from it. No one can tell you if this relationship is right for you, the only person that can deep down help is yourself. Maybe you are not ready to grow outside of your comfort zone of monogamy, maybe you are trying so hard and find it’s not for you, or maybe you actually do live happily ever after. If you are making the choice to stick this relationship out, then you will be put to the ultimate test. You will learn things about yourself and relationships you might not be comfortable with. Sometimes uncomfortable is good; sometimes sacrificing that for a period of time might give you ultimate happiness. The energy we put out into this world we get back in return and create our own reality. Make yours positive; and if you know what you want, go after it with love.

 

Best of luck xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 Comments

  • Anthony Butt says:

    Awesome blog and so thoughtful too xx

  • Jimbo Jones says:

    “We didn’t choose this man, he contacted us for services, this is our job.”

    SWEFS’ll like that.

  • Kevin says:

    This is fantastic. Thanks so much for providing a woman’s insight into what could be a very difficult topic to discuss. I will truly remember these words as not only are they useful if ever in a relationship, but also good advice for just about any relationship. I hope all men read this!
    Thanks again for sharing.

    • Savannah says:

      You’re very welcome, thank you for the kind words and the excellent insight too. I suppose the article doesn’t have to directly apply to Sex Workers and could be useful for relationships with simply a difference of sexual opinion.

      Thanks for reading :)

  • Kyle says:

    I agree with all of this, but there are certain lines that are just unacceptable to cross. Like working when pregnant, particularly after the point where the baby is developed enough to hear and respond to changes outside the womb. If this is the risk she chooses to take for herself, fine, but don’t endanger a child in the process.

    • Savannah says:

      Hi Kyle,

      Thank you for taking the time to read this. Working whilst pregnant is an incredibly personal choice. I think a couple would have to have the same opinion on that topic for it to ever work. There are a lot of people who have the same opinion as yourself. I have also seen women happily work while pregnant (and their partners were ok with it). As for the risk involved, I would assume that any woman working while pregnant would do an appropriate risk analysis. If she placed herself in bookings where she knew the person, the environment was happy & healthy then I understand why she would be ok with that. I agree a child in the womb should never be endangered, but I think (and hope) any mother to be would make sure that never happened regardless of what she does for a living. It’s such a personal choice isn’t it!

    • kate says:

      Kyle, you seem pretty emotional about this, but it’s not clear how sex would endanger a child in the womb.

      It’s perfectly safe to have sex while pregnant, up until delivery(believe me, I know of women who have had sex while in labor, which seems like a no go to me; as a long time L&D nurse, during childbirth the vagina is definitely exit-only for most women.) You can’t touch the baby or hurt the baby during sex, though.

      If you’re worried about STDs, those are definitely a risk for all pregnancies. A sex worker concerned about her health might already be using condoms, which is the number one way to protect herself during sex, but her OB/GYN will also be screening her* for the STDs that can cause complications or be passed to the child. Even with an STD, there are lots of ways to protect the child- which is fortunate, because STDs are quite common!

      * This is standard good practice, regardless of risk level for the mom. High risk mothers might warrant a retest in the third trimester, depending on the STD and why they are high risk. https://www.cdc.gov/std/pregnancy/stdfact-pregnancy-detailed.htm

      Besides, Kyle, the thing is that a pregnant woman is still making decisions for herself. This is why it’s still legal for her to have an abortion, for the most part. The child doesn’t know what’s happening outside the womb; I’d hope you wouldn’t try to argue that the mother is “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” in this case.

      The real issue, that it’s something some men feel very strongly about, can really bring out unfortunate ideas about sex work and women. Motherhood is supposed to be self-sacrificial, beautiful and sacred, but when women just keep being ourselves, complete with jobs that you can’t tell your siblings about, it can be pretty rough.

      I agree with Savannah that it’s a very personal choice, and for me, I’d hope that all pregnant sex workers would be able to be as choosy as they’d like, and only work with clients that they like and trust very much, or not have to work at all if that’s what they want. I also of course hope that their partners would be on the same page with them when it came to working, but in the end, I think whoever has the body makes the rules.

      • Savannah says:

        Such wonderful insight Kate, really appreciate you sharing this. You brought up some really interesting points, I especially agree with “in the end, I think whoever has the body makes the rules”. It couldn’t be more well said than that!

  • Rob says:

    Savannah, you never cease to amaze me. I’ve been involved in the sex industry for over a decade and this is the most brilliant piece of work I’ve read. You’re an incredible woman who is an inspiration to us all.

    Your man is the luckiest bloke in the world. I hope he thinks about that everyday. Best of luck with all your endeavours, because you deserve the world. Don’t let anyone tell you other wise!

  • Steven Garcia says:

    Great blog, I completely agree with what you wrote. I believe that both parties need to be mature. Emotions should not get to involved, stay away from drama, life is to short. Just try and have fun!

  • anurag says:

    love it sav!!! i think sex workers deserve far more than what they have to deal with at times. They were in customer satisfaction constantly, no different to any other people oriented job. to classify this job as any different to any other is nothing but poor excuse in not being able to deal with your own insecurities and your own personal life. Keep it up sav!! you are an inspiration!

  • Ron Allen says:

    Love it. It should be read by all clients, too; a great discussion of the difference between sex as work and sex as bonding between partners. I really like your point about the fact that for more or less any other sort of work, if someone enjoys doing something and is able to do it as a job, everyone applauds them; it is such a shame that sex is different.

    I haven’t read all the other comments so perhaps someone has already said this, but as far as I can tell, the compartmentalization that sex workers undertake is a very common capability for men; for example it is what most clients do, unless they end up as stalkers, and is seemingly becoming a more common ability in women in other parts of society. I suspect there is an element of biology in women being slightly less prone to have it, but I also suspect there is a huge amount of cultural conditioning.

    • Savannah says:

      Thank you for taking the time to read it. It’d love to read more about gender and compartmentalisation, as I wonder if there has been research in this department. It’s pretty fascinating how men and women differ, yet there are some odd similarities for certain demographics of the two. No doubt cultural conditioning has a little bit to do with it!

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